How I Get By.

"Seven-Fiddy!"

Epiphany.

I'm feeling so good right now! I'm doing so well in all my classes! All A's & B's ya'll! I hate to admit it, but I was very concerned about how well I would do in college. I was not the most studious chick in highschool, as many of you know, and I was afraid that me taking a year away from school would only make it worse, but I've found that college means so much more to me. I actually care about taking in as much as I can and I have a desire to do well. It is making everything so much easier.

School is my motivation right now.

And as far as my guy situation, I've talked to him since my last blog, but I really feel like its all been bullshit. I really don't get it though, because I can't understand what he gains by stringing me along. Like does he get man-points for having chicks fall for him? Does he get some kick out of hearing me tell him I love him, knowing all the while he's not really that into me? I really don't get the point of him acting like he's in this with me. And further more he's not even that great of an actor. I guess I was just so soothed by hearing the right words, that I ignored the obvious lack of actions. But now common sense has kicked in.

It's like, let me get this right, he's "in love with me", but he NEVER calls? Like NEVER. And when I call him, its a miracle if I get through. And he admits to seeing my missed calls and he still doesn't call back. I mean, I won't put all the blame on him. Its not like I called everyday, but I've always been concerned with being overly clingy, so I tried not to call too much. But there was no reciprocation. If I didn't call, we didn't talk. Then he always claimed that he missed me oh so much and he didn't like going days without us speaking, but I had no missed calls from him. I mean, my numbers been the same since the first day we talked, and phones work both ways.

Oh, but he's "in love with me" though? Ok.

It's crazy how fucking OBVIOUS all this shit is right now! For so long I really didn't want to see that his actions weren't matching up with those of someone who loves someone else, but now its just all in my face. And to be honest, I'm glad. I would much rather realize now than be years down the line still holding on to words that really mean nothing without actions to back them up.

I will be fine. Don't get me wrong, it hurts right now, but I know this is the right decision for me. I won't front like I hate him or some shit, because I don't. I actually still love him very much... but I love me more (as cliche as that sounds).

I'm just tired. I'm tired of questioning myself, because I'm too scared to question him. I'm tired of wondering about my worth to him, when it's my self worth that I'm compromising. I'm tired of wanting him to show me that he really cares, when it's obvious the actions aren't there because the feelings aren't. I'm just flat out tired.

At one point, I was honestly worried about even typing this because of what he would say if he saw it. How he'd act all offended as though my feelings were completely irrational, and I'd end up questioning myself again and apologizing when I did nothing wrong. But now I know the game. I know that when I say something and he says "fine, bye!" it's not that he's so bothered that he can't talk about the problem and he just has to go. It's because he doesn't give a flying fuck. I know that when he's done making me feel like I ALWAYS make him out to be the bad guy, he just goes on about his day not thinking about me or the situation. Meanwhile it's taking over my thoughts and all my emotions. But that is all over.

I guess the real beauty in this realization is that right now I'm not writing this for him. I'm not pouring out my feelings for him to somehow convince me that I'm just trippin off some stupid shit. This is all for me. My way of releasing and putting into words what I've been feeling for months. It is such a relief to finally be secure in the fact that I deserve soooo much more and I can get it. I've even gotten over my fear of how hurt I'd be if I gave up and he just acted like he never even cared. It's a beautiful feeling.

So Jaye, thank you so much for showing me the many sides of you. Through you I have learned what I will and will not tolerate in a friendship and from someone I love and who claims they love me. I wish you nothing but the best.

So, yeah. I'm going to go to bed now, because I have school in the morning, and I feel so relieved that I'm not that dumb bitch holding on to dreams anymore.

Goodnight lovemuffins!

Shaneka

Played.

Apparently, I'm not worthy of even a "hi" anymore.
And just last week you were in love with me.

Interesting.

I feel dumb and overall played.
I'm trying not to trip, to just act like maybe it's just some accidental thing,
but when phone calls and messages go ignored for days there is no accident involved.
It means he didn't give a fuck enough to even attempt to contact me on his own, even if he, for some unexplainable reason, couldn't receive any of my calls he still didn't think about me to the point where he felt the need to contact me.

And I can't even think of one reason why this is happening. I don't know why, but I feel like if I could pinpoint something I did or some event that transpired that led us here I'd be ok. But I'm coming up blank.

It fucking hurts and I'm pissed.

But I'll get over it.
I have to. Right?

Everybody was right. They said when I finally fell I was gonna fall hard, and the shit was gonna hurt. I swear to God I wish they were wrong.

So for now I'm gonna let John Mayer keep talking to my soul and hope these tears are a good sign that healing is on the way.

On repeat...

Validated.

It's crazy to me how just hearing him say certain things, things I should already know, makes everything alright. And as retarded as I feel about even feeling confused, he understands. He listens and reassures me, and all my little fears and those God awful insecurities just disappear. It's at those moments when I remember all over again why I'm in love with him. It's just the best.

Sometimes I wish I could rewind time. Things were so much simpler back then.

Release.

I have many conflicting feelings about the man who was my father.
I won't mince words. He wasn't there. I did not know him as a person all that much.
I knew his voice and I knew his broken promises by heart.
But even with all the negative things I, and many others, could say about him, I still loved him.

Shawn McDonnell taught me to be self reliant.
An invaluable life lesson, but one learned the hard way.
Yet and still, I am thankful that he did his part to help bring me into this world,
and I am glad that I got a chance to talk to him before it was too late.
I saw another side, one that was so familiar it was scary.
The side that he gave to me, without even being around.
I just hope I can be a positive part of his legacy.
Maybe I can be one of the few things he did right in his life.

R.I.P. Oct 23, 1964 - August 22, 2008

Nails Did

I'm going to get a fill and a pedicure today. I effin love my nail salon with a passion. When I get old I'm going to kick it at the nail shop every day like the old men do at barbershops, just gossiping like crazy. Kim, A.K.A. the little asian lady who does my nails, is adorable. Everytime I come in she starts talking to me using all the slang she knows. She's always like "guhfrien! how you beeeen?!". Everytime I pick a nail color she either says "guh that is the bomb" or "guhfrien' come on now, you alway get that one". Whenever I'm around her I swear fo' Gawd it takes everything in me not to start talking like she does, but I think she'd be a little offended if I was just like "guh, you so craz-ee!" But anyways, she is just too cute! I swear if I'm ever famous she's going on the road with me and every time I go out on stage she's coming out to bust a rhyme or a move, or both if she feels the need. Well let me get down to the shop before I miss Maury time. I gotta see if Shaquan's baby daddy is really her baby's daddy. Just SCANDALOUS!