Happy Halloween!

Mike Tyson + Bobby Brown = The Purest Fuckery in Television History.

Amel!

My best friend and I drove the 2 hours to San Diego to hear the beautiful and ridiculously talented Amel Larrieux sing, and it was worth so much more than the gas money and the ticket cost combined. I felt like I was in heaven just watching her control that stage and hearing her voice glide effortlessly over the sounds of her band playing beautiful jazz melodies. She sang every single song I that I'd hoped she'd sing. It was as if she had put the entire show together especially for me. If you ever have an opportunity to see her live, do yourself a favor and go. And if you don't have them already all of her albums are worth purchasing, but I especially recommend "Bravebird". I feel rejuvenated and on top of the world right now. Thank you so much Mrs. Larrieux for making tonight beautiful.

Irreplaceable.

It's crazy how a dream can make everything so clear even in all it's abstractness.
Dreams can tell stories using all of your innermost thoughts to answer every question and they can reveal so much about you that you couldn't see while awake. The dream I had tonight was a revelation in the truest sense.

I won't recap the dream itself but I will explain what it's revealed to me. I keep searching for someone to fill the void left by my father never being around. It's made me needy and clingy and overly suspicious of every male I've ever dealt with. Afraid that just like my dad they were making promises they would never keep. I have an overall distrust of men and I justified it in my mind because of my dad, but in all honesty I know it's not fair. Don't get me wrong, I know I shouldn't be running around trusting every man 100%, no questions asked, but I can't automatically distrust them all because of the mistakes of one man.

So I've made up my mind. Next time I'm going to let go of my fear. Next time I'm not going to complain when he's taking some time to get shit right for himself. Next time a man tells me he loves me I'm going to believe it instead of questioning it constantly in the back of my mind.

I can't replace my father. I can only forgive him and move forward. I have to learn to accept that he wasn't capable of being all I needed, but he still loved me in his own way. He's gone now, and there is no changing the past, but I can make sure my future is much brighter.

♥

Friday Night Lights.

It was too much to type so I just gave up and recorded this audioblog.
Enjoy & thangs.

I Cant Even...

... put the events of tonight into words yet.
My date was... man. Just know you've got one hell of a blog coming your way once I organize all my thoughts in the morning.

Good Hair.

I swear everytime I hear older black women talking about "good hair" & "bad hair" I just think about this scene in "School Daze". Does my hair texture really matter?

"Why are you wearing all that good hair in a big ol' puff?!"

-rolling my eyes x 234098503953405345-

It's just hair. It grows out of my head, just like every other human. With all that's going on in the world it's sad when people have time to worry about how somebody's hair naturally grows out of their scalp.

Sorry my mama's co-workers/friends/my play aunties get on my damn nerves sometimes.

Just What I Needed.

Lately I've been keeping some pretty late nights, to the point where I stay up all night, go to class, then go to bed. I guess this insomnia thing is back in full effect. Oh well, what's new?

I saw my best friend in the whole entire world yesterday and we shared the best hug EVER in the history of hugging. We have both had some pretty rough days recently, and finally getting to see eachother was just a relief in itself. There is just something about having the person who understands you the most right by your side. There is no fear of them misinterpreting your words or actions. They know you inside out and they know that all you do comes from a good place, however misdirected it may sometimes be. That's what she offers, and if she were a guy I'd be in love, lol.

Anyway, we shopped til we dropped and we tried to solve eachothers problems along the way. Words can't express how much comfort I found in hearing her say what I already knew was. Just having her confirm that I'm not losing my mind was worth more than I think she even knows. Oh how I love that skeezer, let me count the ways.

In other news, mama's got a date lined up [HEYYYY! -does the running man-] and for once it's not with some homeboy of mine who has secretly had a crush on me for years. I am now convinced every male friend I have is on some alterior shit. Well every one of them except you. ;] But anyway, we're going to the movies and dinner. Maybe he'll be worth getting to know, but even if he's not a free meal & free entertainment are always a win-win situation for me.

I'm in a good place right now. The broken heart has subsided and I can finally see that person for what he is. A great friend. Allowing myself to see more possibilities or other potential within him was my downfall. If there is one thing I'm good at though it is making lemons into lemonade, and before all else he was always the homie. Love changes people: namely, me. I kinda lost sight of the friendship in this whole "love me, please love me, give me attention and love me" daze. It's something I now recognize and can work on. I'm only 19, I'll learn and grow with time.

Well I guess thats enough rambling, I'm going to try to get a few moments of rest, though I'll probably just end up watching a movie or something.

G'nite lovemuffins,
Neekaleak

Funk Dat!

When I was a little kid this used to come on the radio and me, my sister, and my cousin used to walk to the corner store talking about "FUNK DAT!" Recently I was telling someone about this song and they looked at me like I was crazy and had me questioning if this song ever even existed. Thank God or Google & Youtube. Lol

Memories man, memories.

U Center Me

He's one of the only things that's going to make leaving Cali hard.

Addiction,

You are so fucking selfish.
You don't care about the lives you damage,
or how you're breaking my family apart,
or how much we love, need, and miss her.
You only care about sustaining yourself.

When I look at her
I no longer see the beautiful,
charismatic person who I once looked up to.
I only see you,
and how you've stripped her
of all the characteristics I once admired.

I despise you with every ounce of my being.
Don't you see how you're destroying her?
How in turn it's destroying a part of all of us?

You can't see,
and you've made her just as blind.

She came over today,
reeking of you.
Just an empty shell of her former self.
When she left I couldn't stop crying.
The sister I knew is gone,
and I feel like I'm mourning her death.

But I can't afford to give up hope.
Hope that one day she'll come home
& be the big sister I once knew.
She'll escape from your grip and come back
where she belongs.
With her family,
with her child.
Mare asks about her daily,
and it breaks my heart.
He misses her so much.

If you won't let her go for me,
please let her go for him.
I can deal with it, I can understand,
but he can't comprehend what's going on.
All he knows is that his mommy's gone.

I will continue to pray for everyday,
and hope that God can do what none of us has been able to.
Bring my sister home safely and free from you.

Cheese Knives.

Do you wanna know what I was doing at 4am this morning?
I was laughing until my abs ached, talking to Lorenzo about farts.
Thats right, I said farts. Lol
I don't remember how the conversation turned to that subject, but I do know that I requested that he Google "fart facts" and he began to read me some of the most hilarious shit I'd heard in quite some time.
I swear, no matter how old I get, that topic will always cause me to laugh until tears fall down my face. It's like everyone has had some kind of bad experience with gas, whether it be their own or someone elses, and they all are hilarious when recounted aloud. We went on for almost an hour talking about the facts he found and bad but hilarious experiences we had all revolving around gas.

Just typing this I feel like a weirdo, but I don't really care, lol.
The shit was funny. So thank you Renz for a hilarious and entertaining night.

Tryna Get That Old Thing Back...

We were best friends.
Before that love shit reared its ugly head,
Before you started living the life I couldn't accept,
Before anything, you were my roll dog, my ace boon coon, my uno nuno.

Now we barely even speak.
And I miss my friend.
Not my "ex-boyfriend", my "friend".
But can you ever really go back?
Can we get back to just being friends
without somebody getting all emotionally attached?
I don't know.
In a perfect world, yes.
But one thing I know for sure is this ain't no perfect world.

I'm willing to try if you are.

You don't know my struggle...

...and you never will.
Please don't think you know what I've gone thru.
Please don't assume shit is just pristine and perfect around here.
Please know my struggle is my own,
and there is no need for me to compare mine to anyone elses.
I don't need to prove my worth thru how hard I came up.
Some things you'd rather not talk about.
What the fuck for?
It doesn't bring people back,
it doesn't take away scars,
it doesn't undo the past.
The difference between me and you:
I push through, fuck venting about shit in my life I can't control.
Fuck talking about it over and over and never making changes.
Fuck staying stagnant while worrying so much about what you think someone might be saying about you.
You've only ever seen what I've allowed you to, but please don't ever get shit twisted.

Am I Glowing or Something?

I've had 3 people I've know for most of my life say they've noticed a change in me over the last week. Like they can tell just by looking at me I'm not stressed anymore and I'm doing way better than I was. When my dad passed it hurt me more than I would openly admit to most people. The people I was closest to knew all about it, but for the most part I kept it bottled up. I tried to keep pretending things were cool, but apparently my act wasn't too convincing because everyone knew something was wrong. And on top of all the pain from my loss, I had all this other drama going on in my life with the people I cared about most. So I was walking around for over a month feeling like the whole world was on my shoulders. Only within this last week did I finally free myself of all that stress & anxiety, and right now I can say I'm genuinely happy. It was as simple as letting go and releasing all the shit I had bottled up, and had I known it was that simple and that I had so many people who cared enough to be my outlets I would have done it so long ago.

It's crazy, it's like I can physically feel the difference. Like I have all this extra energy out of nowhere. I'm back to laughing and being the silly ass Neek most of you knew, lol. I'm back to quoting random ass movies for no reason. Back to laughing at my own jokes louder than anyone should. Back to sitting around with my friends and having 3 hour roast sessions for no apparent reason. I'm back to the old me.

I guess as I grow I will learn how to not let life's situations change who I am or how I am. I can't afford to lose myself in bullshit, because who I am is all I really have in the first place, and if I lose that what am I even fighting for?

So yeah, as for right now, I'm all smiles and I have so much peace. It's a lovely feeling, and one I won't let anyone or anything take away.

How I Get By.

"Seven-Fiddy!"

Epiphany.

I'm feeling so good right now! I'm doing so well in all my classes! All A's & B's ya'll! I hate to admit it, but I was very concerned about how well I would do in college. I was not the most studious chick in highschool, as many of you know, and I was afraid that me taking a year away from school would only make it worse, but I've found that college means so much more to me. I actually care about taking in as much as I can and I have a desire to do well. It is making everything so much easier.

School is my motivation right now.

And as far as my guy situation, I've talked to him since my last blog, but I really feel like its all been bullshit. I really don't get it though, because I can't understand what he gains by stringing me along. Like does he get man-points for having chicks fall for him? Does he get some kick out of hearing me tell him I love him, knowing all the while he's not really that into me? I really don't get the point of him acting like he's in this with me. And further more he's not even that great of an actor. I guess I was just so soothed by hearing the right words, that I ignored the obvious lack of actions. But now common sense has kicked in.

It's like, let me get this right, he's "in love with me", but he NEVER calls? Like NEVER. And when I call him, its a miracle if I get through. And he admits to seeing my missed calls and he still doesn't call back. I mean, I won't put all the blame on him. Its not like I called everyday, but I've always been concerned with being overly clingy, so I tried not to call too much. But there was no reciprocation. If I didn't call, we didn't talk. Then he always claimed that he missed me oh so much and he didn't like going days without us speaking, but I had no missed calls from him. I mean, my numbers been the same since the first day we talked, and phones work both ways.

Oh, but he's "in love with me" though? Ok.

It's crazy how fucking OBVIOUS all this shit is right now! For so long I really didn't want to see that his actions weren't matching up with those of someone who loves someone else, but now its just all in my face. And to be honest, I'm glad. I would much rather realize now than be years down the line still holding on to words that really mean nothing without actions to back them up.

I will be fine. Don't get me wrong, it hurts right now, but I know this is the right decision for me. I won't front like I hate him or some shit, because I don't. I actually still love him very much... but I love me more (as cliche as that sounds).

I'm just tired. I'm tired of questioning myself, because I'm too scared to question him. I'm tired of wondering about my worth to him, when it's my self worth that I'm compromising. I'm tired of wanting him to show me that he really cares, when it's obvious the actions aren't there because the feelings aren't. I'm just flat out tired.

At one point, I was honestly worried about even typing this because of what he would say if he saw it. How he'd act all offended as though my feelings were completely irrational, and I'd end up questioning myself again and apologizing when I did nothing wrong. But now I know the game. I know that when I say something and he says "fine, bye!" it's not that he's so bothered that he can't talk about the problem and he just has to go. It's because he doesn't give a flying fuck. I know that when he's done making me feel like I ALWAYS make him out to be the bad guy, he just goes on about his day not thinking about me or the situation. Meanwhile it's taking over my thoughts and all my emotions. But that is all over.

I guess the real beauty in this realization is that right now I'm not writing this for him. I'm not pouring out my feelings for him to somehow convince me that I'm just trippin off some stupid shit. This is all for me. My way of releasing and putting into words what I've been feeling for months. It is such a relief to finally be secure in the fact that I deserve soooo much more and I can get it. I've even gotten over my fear of how hurt I'd be if I gave up and he just acted like he never even cared. It's a beautiful feeling.

So Jaye, thank you so much for showing me the many sides of you. Through you I have learned what I will and will not tolerate in a friendship and from someone I love and who claims they love me. I wish you nothing but the best.

So, yeah. I'm going to go to bed now, because I have school in the morning, and I feel so relieved that I'm not that dumb bitch holding on to dreams anymore.

Goodnight lovemuffins!

Shaneka

Played.

Apparently, I'm not worthy of even a "hi" anymore.
And just last week you were in love with me.

Interesting.

I feel dumb and overall played.
I'm trying not to trip, to just act like maybe it's just some accidental thing,
but when phone calls and messages go ignored for days there is no accident involved.
It means he didn't give a fuck enough to even attempt to contact me on his own, even if he, for some unexplainable reason, couldn't receive any of my calls he still didn't think about me to the point where he felt the need to contact me.

And I can't even think of one reason why this is happening. I don't know why, but I feel like if I could pinpoint something I did or some event that transpired that led us here I'd be ok. But I'm coming up blank.

It fucking hurts and I'm pissed.

But I'll get over it.
I have to. Right?

Everybody was right. They said when I finally fell I was gonna fall hard, and the shit was gonna hurt. I swear to God I wish they were wrong.

So for now I'm gonna let John Mayer keep talking to my soul and hope these tears are a good sign that healing is on the way.

On repeat...