Epiphany.

I'm feeling so good right now! I'm doing so well in all my classes! All A's & B's ya'll! I hate to admit it, but I was very concerned about how well I would do in college. I was not the most studious chick in highschool, as many of you know, and I was afraid that me taking a year away from school would only make it worse, but I've found that college means so much more to me. I actually care about taking in as much as I can and I have a desire to do well. It is making everything so much easier.

School is my motivation right now.

And as far as my guy situation, I've talked to him since my last blog, but I really feel like its all been bullshit. I really don't get it though, because I can't understand what he gains by stringing me along. Like does he get man-points for having chicks fall for him? Does he get some kick out of hearing me tell him I love him, knowing all the while he's not really that into me? I really don't get the point of him acting like he's in this with me. And further more he's not even that great of an actor. I guess I was just so soothed by hearing the right words, that I ignored the obvious lack of actions. But now common sense has kicked in.

It's like, let me get this right, he's "in love with me", but he NEVER calls? Like NEVER. And when I call him, its a miracle if I get through. And he admits to seeing my missed calls and he still doesn't call back. I mean, I won't put all the blame on him. Its not like I called everyday, but I've always been concerned with being overly clingy, so I tried not to call too much. But there was no reciprocation. If I didn't call, we didn't talk. Then he always claimed that he missed me oh so much and he didn't like going days without us speaking, but I had no missed calls from him. I mean, my numbers been the same since the first day we talked, and phones work both ways.

Oh, but he's "in love with me" though? Ok.

It's crazy how fucking OBVIOUS all this shit is right now! For so long I really didn't want to see that his actions weren't matching up with those of someone who loves someone else, but now its just all in my face. And to be honest, I'm glad. I would much rather realize now than be years down the line still holding on to words that really mean nothing without actions to back them up.

I will be fine. Don't get me wrong, it hurts right now, but I know this is the right decision for me. I won't front like I hate him or some shit, because I don't. I actually still love him very much... but I love me more (as cliche as that sounds).

I'm just tired. I'm tired of questioning myself, because I'm too scared to question him. I'm tired of wondering about my worth to him, when it's my self worth that I'm compromising. I'm tired of wanting him to show me that he really cares, when it's obvious the actions aren't there because the feelings aren't. I'm just flat out tired.

At one point, I was honestly worried about even typing this because of what he would say if he saw it. How he'd act all offended as though my feelings were completely irrational, and I'd end up questioning myself again and apologizing when I did nothing wrong. But now I know the game. I know that when I say something and he says "fine, bye!" it's not that he's so bothered that he can't talk about the problem and he just has to go. It's because he doesn't give a flying fuck. I know that when he's done making me feel like I ALWAYS make him out to be the bad guy, he just goes on about his day not thinking about me or the situation. Meanwhile it's taking over my thoughts and all my emotions. But that is all over.

I guess the real beauty in this realization is that right now I'm not writing this for him. I'm not pouring out my feelings for him to somehow convince me that I'm just trippin off some stupid shit. This is all for me. My way of releasing and putting into words what I've been feeling for months. It is such a relief to finally be secure in the fact that I deserve soooo much more and I can get it. I've even gotten over my fear of how hurt I'd be if I gave up and he just acted like he never even cared. It's a beautiful feeling.

So Jaye, thank you so much for showing me the many sides of you. Through you I have learned what I will and will not tolerate in a friendship and from someone I love and who claims they love me. I wish you nothing but the best.

So, yeah. I'm going to go to bed now, because I have school in the morning, and I feel so relieved that I'm not that dumb bitch holding on to dreams anymore.

Goodnight lovemuffins!

Shaneka